Give-It-A-Rest-Gate

The recent FBI reopening of Memphis’ Garage-gate has caused me to ask a couple of questions. Really!?! Garage-gate!?! The aptly named Watergate scandals broke in 1974 and ever since, thought-ophobes have labeled hundreds of lesser scandals “___-gate.” The suffix fades in relevancy every day and, for me, serves as a reminder of an American political embarrassment I’d rather not think about so often. This suffix needs a moratorium as much as Michael Jackson jokes do (these things require no thought or creativity). It wreaks of the laziness that plagues the faith community when it comes to taking a secular concept, adding some lame Christo-twist and calling it cool (Yes, Godtube and Guitar Praise, I’m talking to you!). I just get annoyed when terms get recycled ad nauseam to the detriment of originality.

TOP TEN SCANDALS WITH THE “-GATE” SUFFIX:
#10.  Whitewatergate – Better known as the Whitewater controversy. It had a decent name then some clown felt it needed more flair. This is the only “-gate” scandal nearly as scandalous as the Watergate scandals.

#9.  Travelgate – The 1993 firings of White House Travel Office employees at the start of the Clinton administration. Why is this a scandal?

#8.  Tasergate – a reference to the allegation that an Alaskan State Trooper, who was the brother-in-law of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, used a Taser on his 10-year-old stepson. I include this one because I think Governor Palin is fun!

#7.  Fajitagate – In November 2002, three off-duty San Francisco police officers allegedly assaulted two civilians over a bag of steak fajitas (which were mistaken as drugs), leading to the arrest of the chief of police. If these were Mariano’s Mexican Cantina fajitas in Dallas, TX then I understand. They had me tweaking like a fiend!

#6. Blagogate – In December 2008, Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich allegedly attempted to sell the seat of recently elected President Obama to which he had the right of appointment. How people named this without a reference to his hair is a mystery to me!

#5.  Hookergate – The U.S. Cunningham scandal in which defense contractors paid bribes to members of Congress and officials in the U.S. Defense Department, in return for political favors in the form of federal contracts. A terrible misnomer.

#4. Katrinagate (or “FEMAgate”) — Used by people who disapproved of government response to Hurricane Katrina. This one should be on trial right now! Forget what I said about #10 this one is much more scandalous in my opinion.

#3. Fiascogate – Rapper Lupe Fiasco flubbed the lyrics to A Tribe Called Quest’s song “Electric Relaxation” during a performance at the VH1 Hip-Hop Honors. This one holds the crown for insignificance.

#2. Jerseygate – A Boston Red Sox jersey placed under a concrete slab in the New Yankee Stadium by a Red Sox fan wishing to put a curse on the New York Yankees was removed in 2008. Should have been dubbed Get-a-lifegate.

#1. Nipplegate – Justin Timberlake reveals Janet Jackson’s nipple during the halftime show of Super Bowl XXXVIII. Huge media coverage for something so…small. Sorry.

How’d THAT happen!?!

I’m not proud that this is my first post of the year but my thoughts and agenda has been fairly cluttered. With that said, I want to offload something I’ve pondered for quite some time now.

What psycho looked at this…

then came up with this?

How to Trap Someone in a Public Restroom.

I was in a fastfood restaurant’s restroom yesterday and I ecountered this sign after washing my hands.

I thought “What a kind suggestion,” afterall, Paul Harvey just told me how cold viruses can live up to TWO DAYS on light switches and door knobs (and now…page 2). One problem though…

This thing can blow the wrinkles off your knuckles!

Same restroom, no paper towels to speak of. I just wonder which one came first? the sign or the dryer?

That’s NOT English!

AN historic occasion?…not English.

Save Yourselves!!!

That famous line was tossed around in horror movies and bad tv when one guy from a group of chasees twists an ankle, or steps in a bear trap and can no longer elude his or her pursuer. He selflessly urges his friends not to slow themselves down by trying to save him but to “SAVE YOURSELVES!!!”

In this tradition I offer a short list of recent movies and tv that have tripped me up and I implore you to…(you know)

#3. Kath & Kim (NBC)– This show stars SNL vet Molly Shannon and Selma Blair of…well…she’s not very famous but she was in the Hell Boy films and Legally Blonde (so I’ve heard). It’s a US retelling of an Aussie hit that clearly misses. The American version has been tossed in Australia and should be on its way to the heap on this side of the pond as well. Don’t Waste Your Life!

#2. Chocolate News (Comedy Central)– I want to file a Class Action suit against Dave Chappelle. His abandonment of the network forced them to rush to fill his spot. They offered The Sarah Silverman Program in all its racist glory, The Mind of Mencia in all its racist glory and now Chocolate News starring David Allen Grier…racist. These programs abandon wit and clever writing for crude words and images, and shock talk. They capitalize on doing things that garner more discomfort than entertainment.

#1 The Hearbreak Kid (2007)– The Farrelly brothers take another shot that misses the mark completely. Having success with Ben Stiller in There’s Something About Mary, the sibling writer-producer-directors run out of ideas and offer this course attempt at humor. This movie made me want to take a brillo pad to my soul. Its only redeeming quality is that it was on HBO and I didn’t lose money at the box office or Blockbuster. However, I will never get those 99 minutes back. Carlos Mencia stinks up this movie too.

Commitment Issues?

Do men really have commitment issues? I hear that quite often. It’s mostly heard from frustrated singles but it is commonly accepted non-the-less. I hadn’t thought too deeply about it until ESPN Radio host Colin Cowherd spilled over the issue to the point of exhaustion. He argued that men are immensely committal, however it’s generally over things that don’t appeal to women. His examples were record collections, sports memorabilia, fantasy football leagues, refurbbing an old car, sports teams etc. Then the Holy Spirit poked me in the side. “What all are YOU committed to Rick?” I thought of my wife, my children’s spiritual and physical well being, my relationship to Christ, my jobs, being a positive member of society, standing against injustice…then it happened. I felt ashamed as my next thoughts were the Falcons, the NBA, watching football, fantasy football, fantasy baseball, fantasy basketball, DirecTV, high-speed internet (not dsl), new-release Tuesdays for music, everything recorded by John Mayer, anything recorded by Outkast, and carbohydrates.

I don’t believe it’s wrong to desire and experience the things on my list, but what disturbs me is that the thought of going without these things for an extended period of time, or forever, makes me more than a little nervous. I am committed. Which means my money, energy and time are devoted to these things. That bothers me. I have elevated insignificant activities to unhealthy levels and, thanks to God’s agent of change, Colin Cowherd, I will be reevaluating the place I’ve set for these things in my life.

Maybe I’m overreacting?

Maybe I’m saving my soul?

What are YOU committed to?

Want to see my shot glass collection?

That’s NOT English!

“Whole ‘nother”…not English.

PETA Was No Fisherman…

Today I’d like to highlight PETA and the wonderful labor of love they do for Sea Kittens!

That’s correct. Sea Kittens. You see, for far too long we barbaric humans have mistreated and abused our water dwelling brethren. Inhumanely treating them as FOOD! Thanks to the genius and compassion of PETA, we can now embrace the creatures formerly known as fish, as warmly as we do their land dwelling counterparts…cats. By relabeling them as sea kittens we will miraculously shift our perspective of fish as voiceless, water-bound delicacies to now celebrating them as cohabitants in the family of the inedible.

PETA wants you to understand that sea kittens have been victimized because we can’t hear them scream when we uproot them from their marine dwellings, butcher them up and lay their hapless carcasses on ice…or in a frying pan with corn meal…or in lemon & butter with herbs then baked to a flaky-NO! NO! NO!

Sigh! Sorry PETA. You may take my quarterback, but you’ll never take…my GRILLED TILAPIA!!!

…and I won’t be eating human-breast-milk ice cream either!

This post inspired by Brian Brasher’s October 8, 2008 entry.

My apologies for the lame biblical reference and the pun in the title.

Main Street, Joe Six-Pack and Politians That Don’t Know Me.

John Q. Pubilc, John Q. Taxpayer, John Q. Citizen, Joe Blow, Average Joe, the condescending Joe Schmoe and the morbid John Doe. All of the aforementioned terms are common when referring to the middle class, small business or just some person whose name you don’t know. But those terms are so passe. Presidential wanna-bees John McCain and Barack Obama made it clear that the country is split between Wall Street and Main Street. Wall Street is nothing new to me or any Tom, Dick or Jane in America. However, when they referred to Main Street I got a little confused. Initially, I assumed I was a part of the Main Street crew. The dueling senators used the term interchangeably to identify small business, the middle class or those that make $250,000 or less. Kind of a broad brush but I get it. I considered those categorized as “Wall Street” and realized there was a huge portion of the country totally omitted from this conversation. Where do J-Mac and Obie fit into the picture? Were there streets that weren’t mentioned, with some cool name I don’t know of? Like Easy Street? Do citizens who make more than $250,000 not have streets? Maybe the Mark Cubans, David Lettermans and Terrell Owens of the world are shielded from the damage of an economic collapse? Surely I jest. But this all makes me wonder what other clever names the politicians have for those that don’t live like them. If you have insight please share.

On a similar note, who is JOE SIX-PACK? Don’t google it. Seriously! Save yourself! Those sites aren’t as innocent as their domain names suggest! Shouldn’t a conservative candidate like Palin find a more appropriate term to categorize folks she patronizes? Unless, the “six-pack” is a gross overestimation of the physical fitness of the average American, or a bazaar parallel between the average taxpayer and carbonated soda consumption, the term is inaccurate at best.

By the way! As long as the candidates are finding clever little ways to endear themselves to the little guy, why not give me, my phone, my mailbox and my inbox a break and raise campaign funds by selling out the rights to your preferred term of estrangement. For example, instead of Governor Palin calling me Joe Six-Pack, she could work a deal and call me Joe ipod (C) or John Q. Ameritrade (TM). I still won’t identify with the label but at least she can capitalize on the ad revenue, helping John McCain a lot more than she is now.

or or ?

To Those Who’ve Gone Before-Part 2…(The Scary Guys)

Continuing the exploration into Hollywood’s portrayal of black presidency, let’s take a look at the guys who put could possibly cause America to hesitate even more at the ballot box.

Speaking of Barack and Sarah’s questionable executive experience, how about a seven-year-old in the oval office? (insert Dubyah joke here) Sammy Davis Jr. dances his way into office in the 1933 short-film Rufus Jones for President. The issues?  No locks on the chicken coops, a Memphis Blues National Anthem, public watermelon vines, you know, the usual 1930’s racial stereotypes. I mean really…a DICE president?

7yo Sammy Davis Jr as President Rufus Jones. He killed the talent portion of the campaign!

There were several amazing parallels to the beloved Clinton reign of the ’90s. Electing Davis was also electing a woman to the office ala Billary (Rufus’ mother/presidentess played by Ethel Waters), and when his actions were questioned President Jones gave a song and dance much like…I’m sorry that was too easy.

Fast forward 44 years and comedian Richard Pryor explores the faint possibility of being the nation’s first black president. He was doing fine until he mentioned that Huey Newton was the most qualified to run the FBI.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 40th President of the United States.

He promised to get black owners in the NFL. Who would have thought that would be more elusive than electing a black candidate for presidency?

The Fifth Element cast Tommy “Tiny” Lister as President Lindberg. As a commenter on the previous post pointed out, Lindberg was a decent president. But nobody’s sleeping while a cross-eyed, 6’7″, 260lbs bald dude with tattoos has access to the nuke button.

Tiny Lister as President "D-Bo" Lindberg.

They did let Jesse “The Body” Ventura run Minnesota though!

Recently another comedian took a shot at painting the White House black but he did it with a question, “What if President G.W. Bush were a black man?” At least he would “keep it real” about our true motives in this war.

Dave Chappelle's Black Bush admits the war is really about Sadaam's attempt on his father.

This would make Kanye’s statement seem a bit more foolish.

FINALLY! The last African-American President on this list should scare anyone, regardless of race, creed or religion. Many people overlooked this movie, and for good reason. Idiocracy is not for everyone. I loved it but I’m sick and partially twisted. Among other hilarious things, this futuristic morality tale introduced the world to President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, porn star and five-time ultimate smackdown wrestling champion.

Terry Crews brings bling and Zubaz to the Oval Office

Even Al and Jesse would have a tough time endorcinng this one. Well…maybe Al.