Archive for September, 2008

Captain Obvious Says…

Posted in Entertainment, people with tags , , , , , , on September 24, 2008 by Rick

I won’t pontificate on this story and please forgive me for wading in the poop pool that is celebrity gossip.

Here are some similar headlines People Magazine can consider if this Aiken story is what gets them going:

1. WATER IS WET!

2. G.W. IS NO GENIUS!

3. MICHAEL JACKSON HAS HAD SOME WORK DONE!

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Just Joshin’?!

Posted in Life, NBA, people, Sports, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on September 19, 2008 by Rick
Where's Manu when you need him?

Where was Manu when Josh NEEDED his shot blocked?

Note to Josh Howard, please don’t apologize for the idiotic comment you made on some dude’s cellphone camera. You should own your words and the ridicule that accompany them. You deserve the boos you will inevitably face at home in the American Airlines Center as well as the ones you will likely hear at the 41 road games you will play this season. You’ve earned the cold stares you will feel as 14,000 pair of eyes burn holes in your back as they listen to a pregame anthem, remembering how much they appreciate this country and how much you disrespect it. They’ll remember the gross millions of dollars you’re paid and will despise you even further with each missed jump shot, free throw and turnover. Sure you’ll laugh it off or light a joint and smoke away the shame but your words will ring in your ears every time a jerk reporter asks you about it instead of the 25 points you just scored or when the Dallas morning d-jays refer to bone-headed actions as “pulling a Josh”.  You see Josh, many of us don’t have the luxury of spouting off embarrassingly mindless statements only to have our boss run interference. Most of us understand that we are privileged to live in a country that allows you the freedom to speak and upload foolishness like that. Most of us respect the fact that, while this country is built on a horrific foundation, we enjoy freedoms and amenities that others in the world covet. Oddly enough, we respect that without earning an eight figure salary like yours. This will surely blow over and you will be forgiven or forgotten, as America is wont to do, but I hope this lesson does not go unlearned in your mind. I hope you look back at the missteps you’ve taken and purpose to demolish the Josh Howard many have grown disappointed in over the past 6 months and present yourself anew. Do that for your family, your children and for yourself. But please! Whatever you do don’t open a fresh can of apology and patronize the public with insincerity. Spare us that. AND STAY AWAY FROM THE CAMERA PHONES!!!

To Those Who’ve Gone Before-Part 2…(The Scary Guys)

Posted in Comedy, Entertainment, Movies, politics, random, television with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 17, 2008 by Rick

Continuing the exploration into Hollywood’s portrayal of black presidency, let’s take a look at the guys who put could possibly cause America to hesitate even more at the ballot box.

Speaking of Barack and Sarah’s questionable executive experience, how about a seven-year-old in the oval office? (insert Dubyah joke here) Sammy Davis Jr. dances his way into office in the 1933 short-film Rufus Jones for President. The issues?  No locks on the chicken coops, a Memphis Blues National Anthem, public watermelon vines, you know, the usual 1930’s racial stereotypes. I mean really…a DICE president?

7yo Sammy Davis Jr as President Rufus Jones. He killed the talent protion of the campaign!

7yo Sammy Davis Jr as President Rufus Jones. He killed the talent portion of the campaign!

There were several amazing parallels to the beloved Clinton reign of the ’90s. Electing Davis was also electing a woman to the office ala Billary (Rufus’ mother/presidentess played by Ethel Waters), and when his actions were questioned President Jones gave a song and dance much like…I’m sorry that was too easy.

Fast forward 44 years and comedian Richard Pryor explores the faint possibility of being the nation’s first black president. He was doing fine until he mentioned that Huey Newton was the most qualified to run the FBI.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 40th President of the United States.

Ladies and gentlemen, the 40th President of the United States.

He promised to get black owners in the NFL. Who would have thought that would be more elusive than electing a black candidate for presidency?

The Fifth Element cast Tommy “Tiny” Lister as President Lindberg. As a commenter on the previous post pointed out, Lindberg was a decent president. But nobody’s sleeping while a cross-eyed, 6’7″, 260lbs bald dude with tattoos has access to the nuke button.

Tiny Lister as President "D-Bo" Lindberg

Tiny Lister as President "D-Bo" Lindberg.

They did let Jesse “The Body” Ventura run Minnesota though!

Recently another comedian took a shot at painting the White House black but he did it with a question, “What if President G.W. Bush were a black man?” At least he would “keep it real” about our true motives in this war.

Dave Chappelle's Black Bush admits the war is really about Sadaam's attempt on his father.

Dave Chappelle's Black Bush admits the war is really about Sadaam's attempt on his father.

This would make Kanye’s statement seem a bit more foolish.

FINALLY! The last African-American President on this list should scare anyone, regardless of race, creed or religion. Many people overlooked this movie, and for good reason. Idiocracy is not for everyone. I loved it but I’m sick and partially twisted. Among other hilarious things, this futuristic morality tale introduced the world to President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho, porn star and five-time ultimate smackdown wrestling champion.

Terry Crews brings bling and Zubaz to the Oval Office

Terry Crews brings bling and Zubaz to the Oval Office

Even Al and Jesse would have a tough time endorcinng this one. Well…maybe Al.

I Reserve Judgement So YOU Don’t Have To…!

Posted in Comedy, Entertainment, Faith & Religion, Music, people with tags , , , on September 15, 2008 by Rick

Jesus knew this would happen but he died for us anyway! What a savior!

To Those Who’ve Gone Before…(The Harmless Guys)

Posted in Comedy, Movies, politics, random with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2008 by Rick

I am no Democrat and I’m no Republican. I would never vote for a guy just because we share ethnic heritage (but it helps). As I weigh the issues and wade through the partisan poop in search of the lesser evil, I can’t help but wonder what this country would look like under the leadership of a black Commander-In-Chief (even a half black one). To catch a glimpse of the possibilities I turn to one of my most beloved confidant…Hollywood!

What happens if the US President and the Speaker of the House of Representatives are assassinated and the Vice-President is hopelessly invalid? Well, the president pro tempore of the US Senate is leader of “the most powerful nation in the world” (or some other arrogant cliche). This scenario played out in the movie The Man and somebody forgot to tell the assassins that the pres-pro-temp was a black man!

James Earl Jones as reluctant President Dilman

James "I-am-your-father" Earl Jones as reluctant President Dilman

While he was the most eloquent Head’s of State ever, his appointment didn’t sit well with America.

Deep Impact So a seven mile-wide asteroid hurls perilously towards the Earth, threatening the human race and whose sucky job is it to find a way to select one million Americans to be preserved in a cave and tell billions of others to duck-and-cover? Brother President Tom Beck.

Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck (Watch for falling objects)

Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck (Watch for falling objects)

Normally, Morgan’s characters assists random white people. As President, random white people assist him. That trend continues today which is why his wife wants a divorce (was that too far?).

Head of State Again someone had to die for a black man to get consideration, but neighborhood Alderman, Mays Gilliam, truly preps America for Obama because he has limited experience.

Chris Rock and Bernie Mac as Pres. and Veep hopefuls Mays and Mitch Gilliam

Chris Rock and Bernie Mac as Pres. and Veep hopefuls Mays and Mitch Gilliam

Ironically, I called Blockbuster Video in Juneau, Alaska and their only copy was rented by Sarah Palin. It seems she was inspired too.

If you wonder why America seems so poised to accept an African American as our next leader, don’t blame the current administration, but credit the producers of 24.

..

Dennis Haysbert as 24's now deceased President Palmer

President Palmer’s warm baritone was enough to comfort any citizen, regardless of what color the terror alert was. And he makes me ask myself “Am I in good hands?”

Coming soon, Part 2…(The Scary Guys).

IT’S FOOTBALL TIME!!!

Posted in Football, NFL, Sports with tags , , on September 4, 2008 by Rick

It’s “Don’t call or text me I’m watching the game” time!

It’s “Sure Honey! I’ll change the baby…at half time” time!

It’s “He did NOT just do that!” time!

It’s “My team just lost. I’m not hungry.” time!

It’s “Please God, let him catch it!” time!

It’s non-stop beer commercial time!

It’s “I can’t believe he just called that!” time!

It’s “Please don’t invite me to dinner on Sunday” time!

If I intimidated just one kid in this uniform…I did my part. Try maintaining that haircut after sweating in a helmet.

*Thanks to my wonderful wife, Heather, for not only granting me the time and space to drown in testosterone the better part of Sunday, but also for willingly learning the rules of the game and joining me in pigskinular bliss! She IS the one. A good thing too cause I’ve committed to her already.

Liz Lemon for Veep?

Posted in people, politics with tags , , , , , , , , on September 3, 2008 by Rick

If Tina Fey wasn’t such a lib I’d sware….